This One's For You...

You know who.

I haven't come up with a nickname for you just yet.

Why is it that the poeple that drive you crazy the most are the one's you can't get out of your head? At least that's the way it is for me. You totally get under my skin. I think you like it.

The Bet

I am a stubborn bitch. Let's just get that out of the way.

And I always win.

The Rock and The Hard Place

Right now I am in the middle. Still smiling though... Actually its not a bad place to be.

Party Time!

Peeper is a whole year old! One whole year she has blessed our lives. She had a pool party this weekend. It was a lot of fun. I have no pictures to prove this however. I brought the camera, only I left the batteries in the van. And its really hard when you are the only adult to leave the kids to go and get them. Or I could have taken the kids down the four flights of hotel stairs for the 50th time that day. I'll just get grandpa to email some.

While I am on the topic of being mom and dad, I'll share an interesting observation I have made. I am in the pool with little Peeper and the Tiny Maniac is paddling around me in her little life jacket. The others are pretty much self sufficient in the water. But all within reach if need be. The pool is literally crawling with children. All in the pool with their fathers. NO MOMS. The moms were all sitting on the poolside. Chatting, reading, maybe even taking pictures ( the ones who remembered batteries anyway). Why is this? Was it like this for me when Mr. Maker and I were married? I would have missed out on so much if I was sitting reading a book.

And there is the bright side of being a single parent.

The most recent picture of myself is two years old because you can't be in the pictures when you are the one taking them. And when one kid has something on, we all go because there is only one person to drive. Sometimes a whole day will pass and I will realize I haven't even seen or spoken to another adult. There are times when I feel like I would kill for adult company. But if there was someone else to take little Peeper in the pool I may have passed it up. I may have taken that time to read the paper, a real luxury for someone as short on time as me. But I would have missed out on that experience. One that I will never have back. Her first little birthday party. Being mom and dad has forced me to be really hands on. Totally in the moment. While reading is perhaps the thing I miss the most, I'm sure I will have years to read. And chat and do adult things. But a first birthday party comes only once. The same is true of the first day of school, the first recital, the first loose tooth. I have realized I don't want to miss any of it. Not for any book in the world.

Hard Pill To Swallow

So...lately I have been reflecting on things that I should not be wasting my time reflecting on. I have had a hard time with the realization that " he was just not that into me". You know the expression. It is really hard when it applies to someone you have spent over a year and a half with. Someone whom you loved with all of yourself.

There really is no other explanation for it. Anyone who is "into" the other person in a relationship will make time for them. Once I realized this, while it was painful, really set me free. It took the responsibility off me. I realized no matter what I did I couldn't make someone feel something for me that wasn't there. So what I was faced with was an impossible situation. A one sided arrangement where the party with feelings involved (me) would inevitably be hurt. Run girl! Too bad I hadn't figured it out sooner.

Lesson learned.

Now I am so done with everything my relationship with the Big Fat Liar has thrown at me. When he drove by my house today, really slowly and stalker-like I waved. Nothing inside me felt anything. I waved as I would to anyone else going by. Yay me! And that my friends, is closure.

WTF

Holy crap! Over a month and no new blog entries? That is just terrible.

I will try to be a better blogger.
I will try to be a better blogger.
I will try to be a better blogger.

So much has happened in the last month that I have a wealth of new stuff to blog about. What to blog about first?

Granola Mom

Have you heard this expression? It is new to me too. From what I have concluded it describes a natural living attitude toward raising children. After thinking about it I realize as the years go on I get to be more and more of one. Crunchier, if you will. It seems with the birth of every additional child I get to be a little bit more free thinking.

I remember 10 years ago when BedHead was little. I was as mainstream as it got. Even when it was just the two oldest girls, people would comment on how clean my house looked and smelled. I remember going over to a girlfriend's house and seeing her 3 kids and dog running around and thinking to myself, how can she function in this chaos? That chaos is now my everyday life and it doesn't even phase me as being unusual. I remember not even having one dirty glass in the sink and using every kind of cleaner known to man. I wouldn't want to go out there and count the number of dishes on my counter needing to be washed right now. Sad. But not really, cause I took my kids to the park instead.

That girl is a far cry from the woman I've become. These days I'm a breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, bread making granola mama.

Bob Marley Makes Me Happy

Why is it that listening to Bob Marley will lift your spirit every time?

http://www.deezer.com/track/23659

Welcome to The Village of The Damned

What an ass backwards little town I live in. You'd think after 4 years I'd be used to the way things are, but no. I will never conform or seek justification for the way people act out here. Maybe it's that we are basically out in the middle of nowhere that we have to create our own fun. Our own stimulation. But at the expense of someone else? How is that acceptable?

Today after not hearing from The Big Fat Liar for a while, he tells me that he heard I was seen 'getting pretty close with somebody last Wednesday'. I just about fell off my chair. Did I even leave the house on Wednesday? A girlfriend came over for tea. Did I suddenly turn into a lesbian? And if so I'd like to meet the person who started this story cause they have some awesome x-ray vision going on, to be able to see through the walls of my house and all. Maybe I should start a diary of my days, so when this kind of shiz comes up I can retort, "Nope wasn't me, Wednesday at 11:46 I was changing a smelly diaper." Maybe I squeezed in an affair between laundry and Dora The Explorer that day and forgot about it. I should write it down so I don't forget. I have so many guys chasing me right now. Going to the grocery store really drives the men wild.

Funny how the story gets flipped. He had the fling, not me. But he has also lived here his whole life. One of the good ole boys. Its easy to throw the outsider under the bus.

So in an attempt to not be the whipped little woman I once was I called the only name that came up in the he heard she heard bullshit. She was really defensive. You've been busted beotch! Turns out she heard it from her husband who heard it from a customer. She then in turn did her duty of telling someone else, who then repeated it to the Big Fat Liar's mom who then told him. What are we in grade 3, all playing the telephone game? I wanted to get to the source, set them straight, and make an example of it, so maybe it wouldn't happen to someone else. This heinous rumour starting could really hurt someone. It's not fair. But I guess I have to realize its been happening like this in this town for generations. All I can do is keep living my life.

A friend of mine just laughed when I told him about all this. He thought it was hilarious. They're gonna talk no matter what he told me. Was I wrong confronting it like that? No. Now I'm not a slut anymore. I'm crazy.

Peeper

I am literally in awe of the beauty this child posseses. I'm sure that every mother thinks that she has the most beautiful baby. And its the weirdest thing because I have five little makers now and each time I was blessed with another I have thought, This is the most beautiful child.

Little Peeper is 10 months old now. Where has the time gone? I remember every minute of my first day home with her. Leaving the others to give birth to her seemed so hard to me. And I couldn't wait to show them this little dolly, their brand new baby sister. They were all so sweet. They loved her instantly. How could they not? I mean they were all good babies, but she is so close to perfect it scares me.

Today she wore one of her new dresses to church. I bought it to fit big, with the hope of getting more wear out of it. She hated it. It got in her way and slowed her down. I personally thought it was hilarious to hear her totally cursing at me in her own baby way. Eventually I took it off so she could terrorize the place at her desired pace. But it made me laugh and lately that's a good thing.

Peeper. Mommy loves you.

Off To Church

Lets see if the little makers can get through a whole hour without it all falling apart.

The Big Fat Liar

Whats on my mind today? Mostly my failed relationship is. I've been dissecting it for a few days now. And today I have decided that the fact that it failed had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact that the man I was with for over a year was 100% full of crap. I've always known he was full of crap but I thought the percentage was more like 20%. So why did I stay with him for so long?
I see now I should have ended it before it came to what it did...him lying about the fact that he'd started another relationship all the while telling me I was the only one and we were meant to be together and yada yada yada. When he told me he was in love with me and an hour later left with the girl he slept with occasionally, I should have ended it. When he got drunk and told me (at 7 months pregnant) that I was lazy in bed, I should have ended it. When he went to Mexico and I got a $1000 phone bill from all his drunken collect calls...When he took me on 4 dates in one year and his mom came along on one...when he told his mom I`d lost the baby because he thought he could talk me into having an abortion...When he never invited me out with him and his friends...When he almost missed the birth of little Peeper because work was more important...When he put everything in his life above our relationship, including taking care of his parents` dog, I should have ended it.

To give him due credit though, he was really good at buying stuff. And he was very helpful when asked. He just didn`t put in the time or effort it takes to have a strong relationship. All the broken promises he made to the little makers and I are swirling in my head now.

And here's the kicker. Even after I found out about it, he lied. Even after I caught him in that lie, he lied some more. Even after he knew I called her on the phone and she told me EVERYTHING, he still lied. So when we were in Wal Mart yesterday and PoopyPants said, Mom ------ said that's a security camera but it isn`t. And I said, No its a vent. And he said, Well why did he tell me it was then. I said, He Lied. I turned to BedHead and said, Among other things. And she said, Yeah he`s a liar, a big fat liar. And she at 10 years old hit the nail on the head, and it stuck.

Ok. Here We Go.

Welcome to my very interesting life. I am Mrs. Maker and I live with my five little Makers; BedHead, HanaBanana, PoopyPants, TinyManiac and Peeper. We also have one gender confused tom cat. Mr. Maker moved out almost 2 years ago. Today I can honestly say we get along, but it wasn't always that way. I've spent the last year and 4 months in a go nowhere relationship, which has recently ended. More on The Big Fat Liar to come.

In real life I am quiet. No one really knows me, as I keep mostly to myself. People would descibe me as nice. I always thought that nice was code for boring.

Quick...Think Of Something Witty To Put Here.

It is after all my very first post on my very first blog.

Maybe the second post will be more interesting.