I used to feel...

Like there were not enough hours in the day. I was always in a rush. Too many things to do and not enough time to do them. The feeling of being a day late and a dollar short, like I was almost drowning was a very common one. Before. Now I have not felt rushed. Not once. I realize its probably because I'm missing him so, but since Deklan passed there are almost too many hours in the day. Too much time to miss him.

Today I realized that maybe this is my gift. My thank you present for taking care of the son who was on loan from The Lord. I'd like to think that I did right by him in his short life. Because of how I feel the universe works, I don't think getting him was a mistake. I've always thought I got the perfect kids. I've always just instinctively known what they needed, and felt its because they were perfectly matched to me. Years ago when talking to a mother with two children, both of whom were adopted, I had asked if they both had the same birth mother as they looked so much alike. Her response was that these children were given to her by God, so why not make them a matching set. That's how I feel about mine. They were given to me. Deklan was no different. When he became very ill at 4 days old I had a very tough conversation with God. I know he's yours, and you can take him God, but I want him. And I got him. For 4 months and 8 days more than anyone thought I would. And of course I'd rather it had been 8 months or 8 years or 80, all those days were extra, borrowed, a blessing.

Those 4 months and 8 days went by in a blink. The days in the hospital were busy ones. He was being taken care of by doctors from many different disciplines. There was always someone coming into his room. Or an appointment to go to. Or a test or scan to be done. Life was busy. And it felt like the time I spent with the other kids was just as rushed. Many a time I'd just wish for more time. And what was always my silent plea to God has now been granted. Once when I had left Deklan (in his less sick days) with his dad and spent a full night at home with the other kids, I returned to the hospital and together The Lumber Guy and I took Deklan overnight to The Ronald McDonald House, where we were staying in the city, on a pass. I asked The Lumber Guy if he felt more comfortable with Deklan here (RMH) or at the hospital. He said I feel most comfortable when you're with him. This must be why Deklan was given to me. I was who God felt most comfortable entrusting him to. So, I would hope it is in return for being there for my precious boy while he was with me that my wish was granted. Although I did it for no other reason than I love him unconditionally. This is how I assume God feels for all His children. And this is His gift to me. More time with the children left with me here on earth. I don't feel I have to stay up late to do just one more load of laundry. I have tomorrow, or the next day.

There is always time to read Pinkalicious again before bed.