What doesn't kill us...

Will make us stronger? Really? These days I feel like what hasn't killed me has made me bitchier. Lol. No matter how bitchy I am though I have decided that is still no reason for the person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what to not be. He wants to drown his sorrow in a bottle of beer, and has been. Pretty much every night since we got home after Deklan's death. I understand different ways of coping, and that is his, but it is just not acceptable to me. He also told me looking at me reminds him that Deklan is not here. Yes, I am Deklan's mom, but I'm not just his mom. I was supposed to be the one he loved enough to create life with in the first place. But I guess that's not the case.

For the first year and a half of our relationship I felt like I was filling a position. Most of his friends were married with kids, and here I was a single mom with 4 and one on the way. It was an easy way to get what everyone else had. I was always here waiting for him when he got back from whatever it was that he was doing, that he never included me in. We went through a really hard time, and I really had thought he'd changed. Things were so nice between us and I felt like it was really different. I forgave everything that had happened and we were in such a good place we made the decision to have a child together. I don't regret that decision one bit.

We did right by Deklan for the 4 months and 12 days he was here with us and that is all that really matters now. It just hurts me because The Lumberguy has done a complete 360 and is back to the irresponsible alcoholic he was before we started dating. I know those are strong words, but I had to call him to come because one of the kids was really sick. It was 6pm and he was already 2 sheets to the wind. I've called him, really needing to talk and he has said, this is where I want to be, out with friends, having a good time maybe it won't always be, but right now it is. What the heck is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to just go through losing OUR son all on my own and just be right here waiting to take you back when YOU decide its time? No thank you! I feel like it is GLARINGLY obvious that we are not supposed to be together. This I feel with all of me. It doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts to have lost him, especially since I have seen what a great guy he really can be.

I read through my old blog posts from when he and I had all our issues and I see that I could have walked away then and saved myself a whole lot of heartache. But everything happens for a reason they say and even though I have to learn to live without him once again I can't say working things out with him was a mistake. Because from that love we had came our wonderful boy.