My tears smell like him!

No sooner did I write it than the smell dissipitated. I've been sitting here crying the ugly cry. You know the type of bawling that takes your whole body. I call it the ugly crying. I hate to cry. When the doctor told me that the team had come to the decision to take Deklan off life support he said, you'll go through every emotion. Not here, not in this place was my reply. Inside I thought to myself you bastard you are not God, this is not your decision to make. Then he threw in the 'your baby is suffering' statement that thoroghly made me feel like crap. I didn't want to give him the satifaction of seeing my cry. (I've said before I'm a stubborn bitch.) Crying has never really been my thing, especially in public. Except in church. For some reason I cannot hold back emotion when I'm within those walls. When my Grandfather, this man who was like a father to me and I respected immensely died I didn't shed a tear until his funeral. I then bawled like a baby for the entire service.

But when I held my son as he took his last breaths and the life slipped out of his body I could not hold back the deep sobs. I held him so close to me and cryed and cryed and cryed. I felt like I should have been comforting him as he passed, telling him he was going to a better place, that it was ok. At that point the emotional pain I felt was almost physical. I felt that I would surely die right along with him.

So as of yet I haven't cried in public since coming home. Tonight at HannaBanana's Christmas concert I felt that lump in my throat though. I had the realization that I would never see my sweet little Deklan in a school play and it broke my heart. Thank God for my sweet HannaBanana though. And the little Tinymaniac to my left and Peeper on my lap and PoopyPants across the aisle too cool to sit with the girls. I always knew they were precious, but what a miracle the birth of a healthy baby is, the life of a child is. Its almost impossible to feel the enormity of it until you've experienced the opposite.

But I now cry regularly at home. Its almost on a schedule. Every night after the kids are in bed. I sit in my living room or at my computer and listen to his cd of beautiful lullabies and bawl. Its the only way I'm able to go out without being a blubbering mess. Crying it out at night gives me strength for the next day.

P.S. The Putumayo Dreamland world lullabies is hands down the best lullaby cd around. I got so many comments from doctors and nurses and it brought such a calm to his room. One of his nurses even used to sing along with the African song and another asked if one of them was Hebrew because she recognised it as something her mother sang to her. http://www.putumayo.com/en/catalog_item.php?album_id=109