M.I.A.

I have definitely been missing in action lately. And there has been quite a lot of action around here as there always is. I have gone through a real nesting spree and did get a lot cleaned out, organised, donated and dumped. But now the nesting instinct is overpowered by a severe lack of energy. I usually end up going to bed at the same time as the last of the kids, around 9:30pm. Working, or raising 5, or being pregnant, on their own, totally manageable...but put them together and its a recipe for exhaustion. But I'm exhausted in a good way. At the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished something, really done something.

I'm really missing the care that only a midwife can give this time around. Yesterday was my routine appointment with the OB. I happened to be 30 weeks exactly. She felt around and told me the baby is breech. All my others were head down right from the beginning, so this was new to me, but what floored me was her very one sided, close minded opinion on it. She said, ' I book you C-Section, one day before, we scan you and baby may have turned.' WTF!?! Is this something I'm just supposed to accept? Are you kidding me? To have gone through 5 natural un medicated vaginal births and then this? I started asking a bunch of questions. All of which were basically brushed off or shut down. She even told me that DR.s don't do versions anymore because they're too risky. And had I not asked, I doubt she would have brought it up. But I do have some time before I need to worry. From what I understand babies are still quite flippy at this stage. I did go online and find some exercises to encourage the baby to turn. And if I go back to her in two weeks and the baby hasn't turned, I'm going to ask for a referral to another Dr. Better to find someone a little more open minded earlier than before I'm right down to the wire. Versions are still done in the next city which is 4 hours away, but worth looking into. I'm not the meek little thing I once was. I'm going to explore every option available to me. And I'm gonna give my doc the benefit of the doubt because she wasn't even supposed to be in the office that day. Maybe she was just tired and didn't have time to talk. She's been studying and writing exams, but the doc that took on her patients while she was away got sick. Maybe she realizes its still early, but has that prepare for the worst kind of take on things. I don't know what her story is, but I know mine, and in the end I'll be doing what is best for me.

I have also met with a lot of opinion about my decision to add another child to my already large family. As far as I'm concerned love multiplies. Large families are not for everyone, but I know what I can handle. And yes, my time will be occupied even more, but that just means I have to be more efficient and organised. I'm willing and excited to do both. And I have a loving and supportive partner doing more to make my life easier. It just wears me down when it comes from people close to me. And no one should ever say to a child that their mother is not going to have enough time for them when their new sibling comes. That is just plain wrong. While cleaning out my basement a couple of weeks ago I found a glass frame with the word 'Strength' that I had not unpacked since moving. I have a lot of nice things I have not put up because I've been waiting to paint. This was a gift and it had been displayed on a shelf in my rental, before I bought my house. I loved it. It had a red flower and the Chinese strength symbol as well. Upon pulling it out of its box I noticed it was cracked in two places. At first I was upset because I really did like it and I wanted to be able to hang it back up. I couldn't put up this less than perfect keepsake on freshly painted walls. But then I really looked at it. What a metaphor for life, my life. Strength was misplaced but was found again, and cracked but not broken. It means more now to me than it ever did. Someone was looking out for me once again and showed me what I needed to see.