New Year's Shennanigans

Up until yesterday I had no plans whatsoever for New Year's Eve. A girlfriend and her hubs were possibly coming over for a drink or two after she got off work at 6pm. Each of my sisters has children who will be away that evening, so it would have been hard to talk them into coming down and hanging out with my kids and I. When you have the chance to go out and do something sans kids, the last thing you want to do is kid stuff. Well, us anyway. Its the same reason I could never be a teacher. I want to save my patience for my own children. And moms need adult time too. I use work for conversing with adults. Being a single mama doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing outside my home (read lots of tea dates). But now that BedHead is old enough to take care of her siblings, I have gotten out for a couple of hours here and there.

The kiddos have been on my case about making New Year's plans. They want to party! Last year we went to a hotel with their aunties and cousins and they had a wonderful time. They wanted to do it again this year. But like I had said, there are no cousins around this year.

Yesterday was dentist day. I had the pleasure of having a tooth pulled. Yuck! Anyway on the way home there was a contest on the radio and I called in and won! Ten VIP tickets to a nightclub New Year's Eve and a certificate for 75 bucks to use there.

So the kids and I are going to go into the city and get a hotel room. We get to order pizza and swim. And I get to go out with aunties too. For free! Win Win! And I have never gone out for New Year's Eve. It has always been spent in. To tell the honest truth I slept through it last year. Woke up when it was all over. I haven't done the club thing in years. YEARS! We'll see how it goes.

The best part is that its totally going to be a girls' night and the kids got their way after all.

Revisiting The Dream

Back. And hopefully better than ever.

Baby Steps...

Tomorrow I am going to look at a farm for sale. One step closer to the dream...

'Tis the Season

No its not Christmas! But this time of year always feels like Christmas to me with all the gifts of the harvest season. I love the fall! And yes, technically, it isn't fall just yet, but today was one of those 'need a sweater' kind of days I love. This is the time of year I get to see the point of all those little tomato seeds I started so long ago.

On Thursday we went back to my hometown for a visit, and then a round of golf with Mr. Maker. The chokecherries were ready! They aren't plentiful this year like in years past, but we managed to pick a 4L pail almost full. After years of making syrup, I thought this year I'd try jelly. But we just don't eat much jelly, so syrup it will be. That tart sweetness on waffles and pancakes can't be beat! Reminds me of childhood every time I eat it.

I worked until almost 1am last night. At work I put the word out that I was looking for unwanted apples, and wouldn't you know it, one of my patrons has a tree in her backyard with apples just falling off and going to waste. This morning I asked Peeper if she wanted to go apple picking and she was so excited about it that even the dreary weather didn't keep us in. We picked for about 15min and got this 20L pail full. And there are so many more...I just need a taller ladder. I'm dreaming (and googleing) all the things I can make with these.

And last, but certainly not least, my Brandywine MONSTERS!

Chilled little apple pickers having a 'warm up' snuggle.

Here's to the harvest season. Happy picking!

Doing the Tourist Thing

Random Updates

I am back working outside the home, at 2 different jobs. Its still part time, but it pays the bills. And because I am working at a resort, the tips are great. Much more so than here at home. I am adhering to a tight budget (saving for the farm) and my tips cover the groceries. That is fantastic! It frees up my pay cheques for the bills and if I don't have the cash, I just don't buy more stuff-simple as that. It helps me avoid impulse buys big time, not just putting it on the debit card. And I use up what we have on hand, so less gets wasted.

A little stray cat has been coming around, and after a month or so of the kids loving him and feeding him, he is quite tame. I am going to get them to help wrangle him and take him to the vet for a checkup. I have a feeling he'll be coming with us when we move. Little Rico.

The garden is doing wonderfully! I have baseball sized tomatoes on my brandywines. And some teenie tiny little cucs. Our peas are all but done, but were a great snack for the kids. They loved them and ate them fresh so there were none to freeze. Last night I cut and froze some herbs. And we made tea out of fresh lemon balm and mint. It was delish! A girl friend of mine has been overrun with lettuce and onions which we happily take off her hands. One night this week at supper I had to make 3 batches of caesar salad because the kids ate it up and wanted more. The strawberry patch out here was almost totally flooded out, so they had no u-pick this year. I took the kids once to the u-pick an hour away, and I went alone once, and in total we brought home 6 ice cream pails. I made a couple batches of freezer jam and the rest I froze for smoothies.

This weekend we are leaving on a cross country excursion. A week long holiday seeing the sites. A girl, five kids, and a black and white pup. We may even tent a bit. But I have 2 nights of work left before then. So I better get packing, and I hope I don't forget the camera...

Still Kickin

Yep, I'm still alive.

The bad mood didn't last for long...I'm a lover not a hater, man. I just haven't had, er ah, made the time to update the blog.

Life has been BUSY. Being a single workin mama of 5 is tough stuff! I will update with pictures soon. (My Brandywines are now taller than Peeper.)

Honey Cake

1 cup oil
4 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup strong tea ( I used chai)
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp allspice
1 cup honey
2 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
pinch salt
3 tsp. baking powder

Mix all ingredients well. Put mixture in ungreased cake pan (I couldn't trust this and greased mine) and bake at 350 for 45 to 50 min. So yummy (and easy) with strawberry jam as topping.

And The Big News Is...

Losing my son changed my life. It almost felt like my old life was not applicable anymore. When I got back home after being away in the hospital with him, everything seemed different. It was clear that 'the way things were' were not going to work anymore.

I wondered if I should go back to my old job. I had told my boss I most likely wouldn't be back, as I was going to be at home with a baby. But there was now no baby to stay home with. Should I kick the new girl out of her position?

What about the house? Do I sell it? There was really no reason for me to stay since The Lumberguy and I weren't together anymore. I have always wanted to live out in the country anyway.

I was suddenly single...and carrying a rare genetic mutation. So my dreams of being a stay at home wife and mother to MANY were not a reality to me anymore.

I wanted to give myself until after Christmas to make any decisions.

I have mentioned before that somehow I am always provided for. It is probably my faith that is allowing me to live past the huge blow that losing a child is. Not one week after Christmas break I get a call from my son's teacher. There was an incident at her children's daycare and they had to be removed. Would I be able to keep them for her? So that solved the problem of having to go back to work right away. The girl who had replaced me could keep her job for the term she had originally expected. Even though I hadn't actively pursued any ideas or made any decisions, I had been provided for.

Not having to stress about work right away gave me the opportunity to really assess what was important and what could be left behind. For the last few months I had been toying with the idea of going back to school. I also wanted to work for the summer in my hometown with my sister, golf for free, and spend countless hours at the beach. After a couple of shifts at the resort, it is super clear that leaving my home and children to work for minimum wage is not going to work forever. Financially I can manage to pay the bills doing so, if I adhere to a strict budget, but personally, I just can't. I'd rather be at home with them, but then the bills would not get paid. So the only other thing I can think of is to go back to school, and in the end, be away from them for less time, but make more money.

While Deklan was in the hospital, there was a lot of medical information thrown at me. I took it upon myself to become educated about what was going on. To be a good advocate for him I needed to know more than I had before his illness. I didn't find it to be hard at all, in fact, if it had not been related to my son, it would have been totally interesting. Should a profession relating to the medical field be what I pursue? It wouldn't be a far stretch, I mean that was the plan in high school. Then I got pregnant with BedHead and the only thing that mattered to me was being a good mother to her. Some upgrading would be in order for university entrance. There is definitely a bit of self doubt there. It has been 12 years, would I be able to go back?

Ok. I know its a jumbled mess, but I'm going somewhere with all this. Really.

With little Peeper, I had a Midwife. And then when I was pregnant with Deklan, I was devastated that they had booked up quickly and there was no midwife available for his birth. I didn't like my OB. She did the trick, but I disagreed with so much that she said. When it came time to give birth to him the labour did not go as smoothly as it had with my other children. Had the doctor had her way it would have been packed full of unnecessary medical interventions. But I knew what I wanted and what my body was capable of. Because I had been through the birthing process before, and I had educated myself, I had the birth I wanted DESPITE my doctor. I would love to help other women have the birth experience they desire.

I think somehow, I have found the perfect plan for the road I'd like my life to take. I am so very excited. I'm going ahead with my plan for working and being close to home for the summer and having tonnes of fun with my kiddos. We are even planning a cross country road trip and my eldest 2 and I are taking in a few music concerts. BUT...in addition to this action packed family adventure of a summer...

I am starting to work on my doula certification.

That is my big news! I think it will be perfect. In the fall I will start my upgrading, so that in addition to the doula study, should give me a pretty good idea if I will be able to handle the work load of going to university. I will also then go back to my old job (the girl who took my position is leaving, so again I was called, I didn't have to steal a job away from anyone) and it is slow, and much quieter than my house, so it will allow me a lot of reading and study time. I am so excited! I think I already said that...but I just can't say it enough. I feel very blessed. And it is very obvious that I am, because things have just seemed to fall into place for me to go after this new dream. As much as I would love to have more babies, I think it will give me great satisfaction to help others while they have theirs. I am not ready to be done learning about the miracle that is pregnancy and childbirth.

There is no way I would have had the confidence and determination to do all of this before Deklan. And while I am sure I would trade anything to have him back and healthy, I am thankful for what I had with him. He was given to me for a reason and I thank God for that everyday. His life was my catalyst for change.

Big News!

Big. Really.

True to fashion I always wait way too long to share anything that excites me for fear of somehow jinxing it. I am almost to the place where I would feel comfortable sharing my news with all of my blog reading friends. (Very few of whom are real life friends, but anyhow.)

But, here's the catch. I would love you to try to guess.

I'll spill the beans in the next couple of days when things become a little more secure.

And, no...I'm not pregnant!

HannaBanana's First Garden

A girl after my own heart.

My Garden...In Pictures!

These guys are volunteers. I figured they were determined to live and let them be. Look at 'em now!

Millie.

One of my little baby Brandywines. Getting bigger everyday.

Raised bed, aka. overflow garden. (Started too many seeds and bought too many herbs.)

The main garden. Year before last, this was a driveway.

Hapiness Is...

1. A warm dog lying on cold feet.
2. Kids that wake up for school without a fight.
3. Fixing your computer ALL BY YOURSELF!
4. Finding the time to stop and drink orange juice out of your favorite glass in the world (because it is from your sweet son, who visited the Franklin's yard sale on yard sale day and bought it for you), while looking out at perfectly brilliant rows of potatoes.

Wordless Wednesday

Cleaning out the freezer.

Breast milk pyramid.

The Mother Guilt

So, on the weekend I went grocery shopping. I noticed that I purchased more convenience type foods than I normally do. I can't exactly say why. Do I want the kids to be able to help themselves to snacks? Is it because I started working outside the home and I feel pressed for time? Is it because I remember those little two-bite brownies being so yummy?

Anyway, said brownies have been the object of affection for everyone in the house today. "Mom, can I have another brownie?"

So as I'm eating I'm feeling guilty that I didn't make these brownies and I'm reading the bag.

Travel back to the days when home baking meant just that - all the best and simplest ingredients from the pantry shelf. Hmm, maybe I'm not being so lazy after all.

Just honest to goodness, goodness.

Wait just a minute...I don't have any liquid whole egg sitting on my pantry shelf.

I feel a baking spree coming on.

I'm an Aunty!

Kaden Calvin and Aunty B

Ok, so an auny again, for the fourth time...but it never gets old.

June 9th...Big Day!

The last somewhat healthy day...bundled up and went for a walk.

So, everyone probably already knows about Deklan, my little sweetheart, and his valiant fight with a liver that eventually crapped out on him. In his few short months here on earth, he taught me so many lessons about myself and my own life. He changed my life in more ways than I could ever explain. Through his fight my eyes were opened in regard to the medical establishment. I saw a lot of things I didn't agree with and I realized there is a huge need for patient advocacy, but in all there are amazing things being done for sick and/or chronically ill children.

That being said, one of the things that struck me the most and has stayed with me since has been the demand for blood products. Over the course of Deklan's life of 4 months and 12 days he needed a total of 119 blood products. His treatments involved dialysis and since he was so small the CRRT machine had to be primed with donor blood. A new circuit (which has to be changed and re primed with fresh blood) was necessary every 4 days. So that in itself requires a lot of blood product. He also suffered from an infection which seemed to eat platelets. At one point he needed to be transfused and there were only 9 units of platelets ready for use in all of Manitoba! For a period of time Deklan stayed on the cancer ward. So I got to see that there was a HUGE need for platelets there as well. Chemotherapy causes a low platelet count, as does a failing liver, which Deklan knew about all too well.

There was a night in Toronto that I almost lost my little sweetheart. He had a superficial wound that in any one of us would have scabbed over and been no big deal. But because of his failing liver his blood was not clotting as it should and he almost bled to death. He would have, had there been no blood to replace what he had lost. He needed volume, man! I sat there as they pushed vial after vial of red blood, platelets, albumin, even Factor VII. THAT BLOOD SAVED MY SON'S LIFE! Sure, he died one short week later, but in that week his siblings had a chance to fly to be with him. His grandparents had a chance to tell him they loved him.

So this is my appeal to everyone...Go give blood! It's something we can all do with minor discomfort. And it is vital in so many treatments. It has been 6 months since I had Deklan's beautiful name etched into my skin. That is the mandatory waiting period for donation after a tattoo. My appointment is June 9th, and I'll be giving my first of hopefully 119 donations that day. Who's in?

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

Don't say anything at all, right? Well its my blog so I figure I can say whatever I wish. Nice or not so nice. What if the truth is not so nice? In my humble opinion, honesty always is the best policy.

It was brought to my attention by a counsellor that I have very few memories before age 11, the age I was when my parents divorced. Her opinion was that it was because my home life must have been so volatile that I've suppressed my memories as a form of self preservation. So I really can't say what my life was life when Mom and Dad were married. What I do remember is life after Dad left. And it was not fun.

If people ever wondered why my relationship with my mother is strained it is because I feel as if I have no mother at all. She was merely a presence in the house, but never really mothered anyone. Maybe my sisters would tell you different, but I can say truthfully that I was on my own from the time I was 11 years old. My brother was not treated very well at all, perhaps because he was the only boy. But being a kid myself, I didn't see it until later. I wish that there was more I could have done for him. He has turned out to be a fine young man though, so he in some way must have overcome his crappy childhood as well.

There is a school picture of him in a ripped t shirt. And he was just a little guy, grade 2 maybe. Not old enough to be protesting clothing. So its not like he would have refused to wear anything else. But that's the way it was in our house. Just because picture day was coming up was no reason to make sure laundry was done. Or if it was done it was thrown onto a pile on the bed for us to sort through. I learned how to do laundry in grade 6 out of necessity. I remember wanting to wear something nice for my picture day and having nothing clean. I made sure after that I knew how to wash my own clothes. I learned how to make rice out of necessity as well. At one point there was very little food in the house except for a big bag of long grain rice. I remember reading the instructions on the bag. Its not like I was shown how to do it. I learned on my own.

It is very hard to be a preteen and want to have friends over but be too embarrassed because the house is a total mess. And my house gets messy with 5 kids living here and an extra or 2 here and there visiting, but never like my childhood home was. I'm talking animal messes everywhere...even on the stove one time that I remember. Even now I am upset if my house is a mess. I remember the kids making fun of me for how our house looked. Those kinds of things really stick with a person. And the saddest thing was that there was no reason for it. I had a mother who worked outside of the home very little. I cleaned as much as I could, but it is hard to clean up after 5 other people when you're only a kid. Most of the time I kept the door to my room closed and just stayed in there. The cigarette smoke really bothered me, but that was never reason enough to stop smoking in the house.

I remember Mom's friends and boyfriends. She always seemed to be having someone over. I don't remember any outings as a family. I remember the neighborhood kids coming over because Mom was the adult that would go buy booze for them. I remember her going to some class in the city that was funded by the government. There was even money allotted to babysitting. We could have had someone there to help us with our homework or make us a meal, but instead one of Mom's friends signed the forms and we stayed on our own. That was she got to keep the money for herself. We did have babysitters though. When Mom wanted to go out and night. When she got home she and the babysitters would stay up and drink together. Just the other night my sister told us a story about one of her birthdays as a kid. I remembered the story but not that it had been her birthday. That day Mom and one of her friends got drunk and mom decided to cut down a bush with a hatchet and sliced her knee and had to go to the hospital and get stitches. Happy Birthday Honey! If there is one day to be there totally for a child, would it not be their birthday? Our childhood is full of stories like that.

All of these things continue into adulthood. I hear how Mom berates my nephew using the same language she used with my brother. I didn't even have a honeymoon because I had no family to take care of the children for 2 days. I have never even talked about these things with anyone but family until now. My son died of a condition that is passed from mother to child. When you are a middle aged woman and you are plagued with headaches and other mysterious symptoms, and this new discovery of a genetic condition is brought to light, don't you think you'd go and be tested? It could explain everything and help doctors to better manage your health. But no. Does there ever come a point when a relationship with someone who is supposed to be as close as your own mother gets to be too unhealthy to be a part of? I have done everything I feel that I possibly can to help her. But what if someone doesn't want to help themselves? It is too much for me to watch her nonchalantly smoke after doctors have point blank told her it will kill her and she watched her own father die not being able to breath. She has the exact thing he did just way earlier in her life. I have been out at her home weekly for over a month working my tail off to clean up her property. Then on the weekend she gets drunk and just throws stuff on the ground? Even after I asked her not to. I guess its her place. She can do as she pleases. I won't be helping her anymore though. For my own well being I have to cut ties with this woman.

It should not surprise me that once again she put her relationship with a friend over that of her child. Its just too bad that this friend was supposed to be my partner. I got doubly betrayed. Live and learn. If she had confided in me some of the inappropriate things he'd been telling her, I could have confronted him, or ended the relationship sooner. I had even told him very early in our relationship I was uncomfortable with his friendship with my mother. Even now that we are no longer together he calls her. I feel tremendous guilt for letting someone else into our lives, only to have them now gone. All these things only make me stronger. They give me more determination. They make me more protective. More selective. More quick to trust my intuition.

Sad...Just Absolutely Sad

Where is the Fight?

Nothing in my life has been handed to me. I have worked hard and I am pleased with how far I have gotten. There is fight inside me. A drive to succeed. A fierce advocate for my children...that I owe to Deklan, the little sweetheart. Every person who has come in and gone out of my life has taught me something about myself.

Not everyone has this motivation inside of them. I am fiercely loyal and I demand a certain amount of loyalty back. Especially living the life I want, which is going to be full of hard work. I need to know that a potential partner has my back. Someone who will not flounder at the first inkling of adversity. A willing and devoted ally. A loving and like minded companion.

I want to mate for life, so to speak. But in that mate I need certain qualities. Someone strong yet caring. A confidant I can trust. In return he would be paid with love and baked goods! For the meantime I will plug away on my own. I will do the necessary to get closer to my goals. I will not settle.

I owe this renewed determination to you, Globinski. Thanks to your breach of trust I have refined my search. And at least I learned this valuable lesson in 2 short months, unlike the 3 years it took me the last time. Maybe I will never find the one that was meant for me. But at least I know who I am. At least I have the fight in me...

Listen to This!

Myles Black and the Pearly Whites on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Videos

Progress

I realized long ago that I will not be able to live the intentional kind of life I REALLY desire while living in town. Many people do the 'urban homestead' thing and that is great. But I need a few acres to putter around on. I own a home in town, and hope to sell it (as soon as fall, maybe) and buy a hobby type farm. At some point I had to think about just how much I wanted to convert my urban yard. I mean my idea of a fun time may not be someone else's. Not everyone might want a lot of edible landscaping. Should I cement in posts for a clothesline? I don't think Mr. Franklin would care for me having chickens all up in here. I can't, or maybe shouldn't, make all the changes I want to make. So for the time being I'm concentrating on fixing up my place in a way that will appeal to more potential buyers, not just me and all the other hippies.

But...My mom lives on 5 acres. And that land will stay in the family. So I don't mind working on it. It will definitely benefit someone in the long run, if not me, my sisters for sure. And I don't have to worry about pissing anyone off with my off beat ideas cause they're just as crazy as I am.

A couple of weeks ago we cut and pulled up sod the make a garden. Last night I again made the hour long drive to spread moo poo and peat moss and work it into the soil. It is ready to plant! We also took a load of tree branches to the dump. Now for the first time last night we went to the dump and came back with something! I know I know! I always used to wonder what those people were looking for. But what I found was chunks of concrete and bricks. Jackpot! We pulled the sod around the old fire pit that hasn't been used in years. The grass was knee high. Then we put down the concrete in a mosaic type circle with bricks, and stones. It may be homely to some, but to me its perfect. Such a mix of found materials. I can't wait to go have a fire there this weekend. I should have taken a picture.

Getting Mom's property into shape is going to take a long time. It has been neglected for quite a while. But slowly, we are making progress. It is going to take hard work. But that's the thing. When work is split 3 ways and you get to talk and laugh the whole time it doesn't really even feel like work.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the mothers out there!

In my life there are a real mix of moms. I can see so many different qualities that make them strong. My sister, who would rather play with her kids, and teach them about black holes, but has to work to support her little ones. Seeing the strength it takes for her to leave them, and the guilt she feels having to, makes me a more loving mother. My mother, the hard as nails softy. Hearing her defend her family at the slightest inkling of a threat, makes me more of an advocate for my own children. My grandmother, a woman I have loved dearly and respected all my life, growing older and shakier. I remember the two of us running down the train tracks. She inspires me to run and play with my kids while my body is able.

My friends with children of their own.

My sister, a mother for 11 years and now expecting a baby in 4 short weeks...about to become a new mother all over again.

My children's teachers who leave their own kids to teach mine.

There is another group of moms out there, and they are the ones that my love and thoughts will be with probably most of all tomorrow. They are the moms with no children in tow. They have felt that heart wrenching sting of having their babies taken from them all too soon. They are perhaps the strongest mothers of all.

Zuke and Chip Muffins

What were you doing at 10pm last night? I was making muffins. Getting a head start on today's snacks. It was the first time I used this recipe. I like it because all things considered it has a relatively small amount of oil and sugar. I used organic rice milk and milk less chocolate so the milk allergic little ones in my care could eat them.

1 cup quick oats
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup sugar
1 cup shredded zucchini, packed
2 tbsp cooking oil
1 egg, lightly beaten
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 400F. Line or spray 12 muffin pan. In a large bowl stir together dry ingredients. Set aside. In a medium bowl combine zucchini, oil, egg and milk. Add wet ingredients to dry, stirring just until moistened. Add in chocolate chips. Spoon batter into the 12 prepared muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes, or until lightly browned.

A Pair Of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some people are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by

before they think about how much they hurt.

No one deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a person who has lost a child.

- author unknown

The Birds and the Bees

So it would appear that I am falling into what would like a relationship. I know! So totally not expecting anything like that to happen in my life for, well, maybe ever. I'm not in a rush, and I'm going to wait and see how this happens to play out.

Where I was going in this post...
My little Poopy Pants is 8 years old now. He has an insatiable appetite for knowledge. Mom, why this, why that? It does my heart good to see that curiosity for life in him. So at Easter I cooked and had the whole extended family for dinner. His little cousin called her other auntie (not me) a pervert. The next day Poopy Pants asks what a pervert is. My hurried answer was its someone who thinks about sex all the time. So much that it disrupts the rest of their life. OK. Well, whats sex? CRAP!

He actually seems satisfied with the answer that sex is something 2 people do to make a baby when they love each other very much. Thanks goodness he didn't ask about the mechanics of it. We'll save that for another day.

Easter was quite a while ago now, and there have been no more questions of that nature since.

Now this new person in our lives is actually a friend of mine. Globinski, we'll call him. Poopy Pants seems to really like him, as do Peeper and the Tiny Maniac. The oldest 2 girls tolerate him. That's a good thing because they seem to be very protective of their mama. They don't often welcome new people into our lives with open arms. One night not very long ago we are all sitting in the van after having ice cream. We are finishing our cones, dropping Glob off at his vehicle, when out of the blue...

Mom, you should give 'The Sex' to Globinski!

Oh my goodness!?!

I think I peed a little.

Wordless Wednesday

The headline would read: 2 Floods in Laundry Room cause major Laundry Backup.

Wordless Wednesday...not so much.

I just can't remain wordless this Wednesday! I can't even contain my excitement.

The Lumberguy and I have remained friends even though we are no longer in a relationship. We actually have tea every morning at 10am. This morning at tea time we were talking and I just realized how far I've come. How happy I really am. I mean, from the place I was in 4 months ago, there's nowhere to go but up, right? I don't think that he's in the same place I am though. Even though he was the one who drove the break up, and the first to look for another relationship, and the first to try to regain his old 'pre Deklan' lifestyle with the going out/drinking with friends. I have realized that how 'well' I am doing, or seem to be doing (depending on the day) is not a reflection of how much I miss Deklan. I miss him terribly. Every. single. second. of every. single. day. Being depressed is not going to bring him back. If there was a way to bring him back trust me, I would have found it because I have played out every possible scenario in my head. But me not living my life to the absolute fullest, well that would just be a waste. I felt like I could have died right there with him. That was how much losing him hurt. But I CHOSE life. In the beginning it was merely surviving, but now I feel like I'm living. And it feels great!

When I first got back from being away with him, I felt like I didn't fit here in my old life anymore. I needed a change. I talked to The Lumberguy about wanting to go home. By home, I mean being closer to my family where I grew up. I didn't know how I was going to do it and maybe it was just a wish at first. I got busy with life and kids and home...well I just got busy trying to live again. In the back of my mind was still this idea of 'going home'.

Ok, so finally here comes the excitement part! I'm going HOME for the summer! I don't know where I'm going to live, or how exactly its going to work, but I'm going. Its going to be my hippie summer. My summer of freedom. Love. Happiness. My sister works at a resort during the summer that is 10 minutes from our hometown. This year she is in charge of hiring, and I'm going to work with her. I'm only going to work enough to pay my bills here, and take care of any expenses I'll incur being away. The rest of the time is going to be spent with barefooted children, on the beach, at the pool, living life. Life, beautiful life! I'll be close to almost everyone I love. Close to my new baby nephew, coming in June. Close to the grandmother I adore. Close to the mother who could definitely use the help of an able bodied daughter.

Secretly I hope to find the farm I have been looking for for over a year, and come back here only to sell my house and pack my most precious belongings. So there, universe, I said it out loud. But I'll have a job to come home to should I need it. And I have my home, which I own, and a few friends here. Its not that I am not happy here. I just want to live my dream life. And I'm ready to do what I need to do to find out what that dream is exactly. I have always had a rough idea, but I am so very excited to make it into reality.

Wordless Wednesday

I became a mother 12 years ago, today. Happy Birthday BedHead.

She is better on the computer than I am, and has hidden all her "self portraits" somewhere.

The Ramblings of a Mother

How great life would be to see it through the eyes of a child! To love with reckless abandon. To live life with enthusiasm. To play and be happy every day. To have a fresh outlook, without the cynicism that seems to come with age.

That is the life I want to strive for. I want to foster that zest for life in my children. To lead by example is key, I think. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So all I have to do is strive for happiness and fulfilment in my own life. Teaching respect by giving respect. Its kind of win win.

It was a counsellor who pointed out to me that I have little to no memories of childhood before age 11. The fact that I blocked everything as a subconscious self preservation mechanism was a huge revelation. My past had somehow been dictating the kind of people I let into my life. How I lived my life up until now. But it doesn't have to anymore. I want my kids to remember the Chubby Checker twist competitions (insane exercise, btw) and the tea parties. I don't want them to feel that they have to censor who they are. I want them to trust their instincts. I want to give them the confidence and values it took me almost a decade and a tonne of hard life lessons to acquire.

Instead of getting to my dishes, I have been dreaming about the adults my children are going to become.

Wordless Wednesday

One year ago today, I saw him for the very first time.

Life...Beautiful Life

It would appear that I have started a new life without even realizing it. Last night I was thinking about the fact that it was already February 22nd, 2010. All the time spent away with Deklan slipped through my fingers ever so quickly. His life went by in a blink. And now, since being back, I haven't quite adjusted to that missing time. I keep thinking Halloween should be coming. Its hard to grasp that while I was gone advocating for him, time passed. Seasons changed. Life here had continued and changed and so had I. I came back different somehow.

He made me a stronger person. A better mother. And if I had been given the opportunity, a more loving life partner. It is amazing how having him for the short time I did turned my life upside down. How someone so small could have such a huge impact on the world around him. I realized the change within myself, but being so busy with the kids I didn't take a good look around at everything until very recently. Somehow he snuck into my life and took out every part that wasn't working. My life now is almost unrecognizable from what it was.

Ten months ago I was working outside the home. I was in a committed relationship. I felt like I was drowning in a sea too deep with responsibilities. I wonder if he felt the stress while he was growing inside of me.

Now I am at home full time. Working and even teaching from home. The life that has emerged is one much calmer. My house is full of happy laughing children. The lessons he taught me about love and life are invaluable. The surprising thing about it all is that I didn't consciously change anything. Everything just fell into place. He planted this little seed of love that is now blossoming into a beautiful life.

I've Been Bitten...

The upstairs pantry complete with running inventory.

Not so new, but improved downstairs pantry.

Dark and scary before.

By the organisation bug again. This was my project for the afternoon.

1. Clean out gross, dark, cobwebby cubby.
2. Take everything out of upstairs pantry.
3. Inventory everything.
4. Put most back in upstairs pantry.
5. Take rest down to new improved cubby.

Voila! Emergency pantry complete with running inventory.

Wordless Wednesday

Where are you summer?

Saturday Morning Visit

The Camper

For lack of anything 'productive' to post today, I'm just gonna copycat.

This is our typical Saturday morning. Kids free-ranging, tearing the house apart and rearranging it to fit into their very imaginative plays. Somehow they have to fit what every individual child wants to play into one mass theme. So from what I can tell today it is a mobile animal rescue, cross country, adventure with a baby who is one but can walk and talk. What funny little children!

I should have taken a picture of the massive fort in my living room last week.

Regrets

Everyday Deklan's story replays itself in my mind. Every time it plays out a different way. Maybe if I'd stalled the doctors....Maybe if I'd demanded the antibiotics to be stopped sooner....If I'd held him more...How/what could I have changed so that he would have lived. I should have been stronger, smarter, better.

There is no doubt in my mind that Deklan could have been healed. Sometimes I think that it is the faith I had that makes it harder on me. It was the doctors' decision to take away the support that was keeping him alive. I wasn't strong enough at that time to fight their decision. Or even to realize I had the right to oppose it. If he had been taken by God, just slipped away unexpectedly, maybe I would have been more at peace with it. Ultimately I know that The Lord is stronger, and if Deklan was meant to live he would have, without life support. Part of me was expecting a miracle in that moment.

I hated the doctors. I hated their attitudes. I questioned everything. Maybe Deklan's healing had to be bigger than what they could have done for him. Maybe healing is not the way my mortal mind views it. Now he is safe from everything the doctors were doing to him. Everything I hated them for. He has been saved from pain and sorrow. He has been saved! Healed!

Not in the way we define healing though. It makes me sad that I couldn't heal him. I couldn't make him better. Mainly I feel like I was not enough for him. He needed more than I could do, than I could give. More than any person could do or give. The rational side of me knows that there was nothing more I could have done. I mean I had 6 doctors collectively telling me he wasn't going to make it. But my heart tells me that a mother's love can heal anything. My heart that is filled with regret...


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Little Brother

The saddest thing happened today, well maybe not the saddest, but it really tore at the old heart strings. Today the cat was lying in the bassinet I bought for Deklan. I don't know why its still in the living room, but it is. It sits in the spot it was in waiting for us to bring him home. Bedhead and I put it together a couple of weeks before he was born. Anyway, I run over and shoe the cat out of it. "You can't be in there" I say to her. Then Piper says, "Ya, Deklan's gonna sleep in there."

As well as we have tried to explain death to her, her little 2 year old mind doesn't quite get it. She thinks he is still at the hospital. Sometimes she says she misses him and wants to go back to the hospital and see him. The fact that she believes we left him there saddens me. I never left him alone there while he was alive. Even in death I could not leave him there. We carried him to the funeral home's waiting van before we left the hospital the evening he passed.

She is so crazy about babies, as all 2 year olds are. She doted on her little brother. "He's so tiny." "He's so cute." Every time someone talked about him that's what she'd say. She was supposed to be the big sister. The birth order is all screwed up now. Its just one of the things you'd never think of until something like this happens and you're alone with your thoughts. I wonder what it must be like to have another baby, when the baby gets to be older than the child you've lost, how that must feel. They'd have a big brother, but we'd only known him as a baby. He was THE BABY to us. Or losing an older child. I can't even imagine that kind of pain. I guess its hard no matter how you slice it. Its not the natural order of things.

In two days he would have been 6 months old. He would have been starting some solids. Growing out of sleepers. Rolling around on the carpet. Hanging on his big sisters' every word. I wish he was here so I could lie him down in the little bed that his sister and I put together for him. I just want to hold him again. I miss him. We all do.