Losing my son changed my life. It almost felt like my old life was not applicable anymore. When I got back home after being away in the hospital with him, everything seemed different. It was clear that 'the way things were' were not going to work anymore.
I wondered if I should go back to my old job. I had told my boss I most likely wouldn't be back, as I was going to be at home with a baby. But there was now no baby to stay home with. Should I kick the new girl out of her position?
What about the house? Do I sell it? There was really no reason for me to stay since The Lumberguy and I weren't together anymore. I have always wanted to live out in the country anyway.
I was suddenly single...and carrying a rare genetic mutation. So my dreams of being a stay at home wife and mother to MANY were not a reality to me anymore.
I wanted to give myself until after Christmas to make any decisions.
I have mentioned before that somehow I am always provided for. It is probably my faith that is allowing me to live past the huge blow that losing a child is. Not one week after Christmas break I get a call from my son's teacher. There was an incident at her children's daycare and they had to be removed. Would I be able to keep them for her? So that solved the problem of having to go back to work right away. The girl who had replaced me could keep her job for the term she had originally expected. Even though I hadn't actively pursued any ideas or made any decisions, I had been provided for.
Not having to stress about work right away gave me the opportunity to really assess what was important and what could be left behind. For the last few months I had been toying with the idea of going back to school. I also wanted to work for the summer in my hometown with my sister, golf for free, and spend countless hours at the beach. After a couple of shifts at the resort, it is super clear that leaving my home and children to work for minimum wage is not going to work forever. Financially I can manage to pay the bills doing so, if I adhere to a strict budget, but personally, I just can't. I'd rather be at home with them, but then the bills would not get paid. So the only other thing I can think of is to go back to school, and in the end, be away from them for less time, but make more money.
While Deklan was in the hospital, there was a lot of medical information thrown at me. I took it upon myself to become educated about what was going on. To be a good advocate for him I needed to know more than I had before his illness. I didn't find it to be hard at all, in fact, if it had not been related to my son, it would have been totally interesting. Should a profession relating to the medical field be what I pursue? It wouldn't be a far stretch, I mean that was the plan in high school. Then I got pregnant with BedHead and the only thing that mattered to me was being a good mother to her. Some upgrading would be in order for university entrance. There is definitely a bit of self doubt there. It has been 12 years, would I be able to go back?
Ok. I know its a jumbled mess, but I'm going somewhere with all this. Really.
With little Peeper, I had a Midwife. And then when I was pregnant with Deklan, I was devastated that they had booked up quickly and there was no midwife available for his birth. I didn't like my OB. She did the trick, but I disagreed with so much that she said. When it came time to give birth to him the labour did not go as smoothly as it had with my other children. Had the doctor had her way it would have been packed full of unnecessary medical interventions. But I knew what I wanted and what my body was capable of. Because I had been through the birthing process before, and I had educated myself, I had the birth I wanted DESPITE my doctor. I would love to help other women have the birth experience they desire.
I think somehow, I have found the perfect plan for the road I'd like my life to take. I am so very excited. I'm going ahead with my plan for working and being close to home for the summer and having tonnes of fun with my kiddos. We are even planning a cross country road trip and my eldest 2 and I are taking in a few music concerts. BUT...in addition to this action packed family adventure of a summer...
I am starting to work on my
doula certification. That is my big news! I think it will be perfect. In the fall I will start my upgrading, so that in addition to the doula study, should give me a pretty good idea if I will be able to handle the work load of going to university. I will also then go back to my old job (the girl who took my position is leaving, so again I was called, I didn't have to steal a job away from anyone) and it is slow, and much quieter than my house, so it will allow me a lot of reading and study time. I am so excited! I think I already said that...but I just can't say it enough. I feel very blessed. And it is very obvious that I am, because things have just seemed to fall into place for me to go after this new dream. As much as I would love to have more babies, I think it will give me great satisfaction to help others while they have theirs. I am not ready to be done learning about the miracle that is pregnancy and childbirth.
There is no way I would have had the confidence and determination to do all of this before Deklan. And while I am sure I would trade anything to have him back and healthy, I am thankful for what I had with him. He was given to me for a reason and I thank God for that everyday. His life was my catalyst for change.
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