My Christmas

What did I do this Christmas? Well I'm glad you asked. This Christmas I :

1. Singlehandedly ate half a box of chocolates.

2. Let my eldest daughters talk me into shopping on Boxing Day. Yikes!

3. Met new people.

4. Realized I want to stuff my life full of family and good friends.

5. Bought a pair of cool jeans for less than $20.(The upside of being talked into shopping.)

6. Laughed until it hurt.

7. Had to listen to Dad tell the story about me as a kid and my McDonald's toys for the twentieth time.

8. Acknowledged that my baby sister could absolutely kick a man's ass and not even break a nail.

9. Was probably the oldest person at a social, didn't care, couldn't wait to get home and have a cigarette and watch McGuyver. (jokes)

10. Went to sleep for the first time since Deklan's death without crying.

11. Ate the same Christmas feast we have every year and thoroughly enjoyed every bite.

12. Watched the kids all get along and have a great time with their cousins.

13. Played Rock Band (not very well) with the kids for the first time in a year.

14. Shovelled snow. A lot of snow.

15. Got the best present, a back scratch from the Tiny Maniac, the best back scratcher in the world. And chore coupons. Mostly I was delighted that they realized Christmas is not about 'stuff '.

And...

16. By the grace of God had the best Christmas yet, even though it should have been the worst.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."
— Luke 2:11 (NIV)

Is there anything more sad...

Than a broken heart at Christmas?

There is no part of me right now that could even fathom being in a relationship again. Giving my heart to someone else after having it absolutely ripped out first by the death of my darling boy, and then again by having someone I loved and relied on bailing on me, seems like an impossibility. But it would appear that is not the case when it comes to the other half of this newly departed relationship. It seems that The LumberGuy is already working on something else.

I never would have known, as I have had sick little makers in the house for the past few weeks and last night my poor little Peeper had to be taken to the city to see a doctor, but again *someone* must have been looking out for me. Somehow, and it seems like such a long shot, but he happened to accidentally send a text message meant for said new interest to Mr. Maker. How in the world? Anyway Mr. Maker forwarded it to me and when I asked The LumberGuy about it at first he lied, but then told me the truth.

And here is the really amazing part. I was not angry! Not in the least. I was upset that when I had told him our little dolly had to be taken to the doc he chose to go curling because that was his plan and he told me he was too drunk to keep the kids and wasn't interested in making the hour and a half drive on the snowy winter roads with me. I was upset because being a parent is 24/7, not just when its convenient or there is nothing else to do. But about the fact that he stayed and curled and drank some more, and sent text messages to another girl at 11pm I was not. Mostly I feel sad...for him. Is this how he is trying to heal his broken heart?

Being on my own right now is hard. Really hard. But it is making me so very strong. I am here for the sick little makers. I am feeling all the feelings without dulling them with alcohol. I have been blessed with the clarity to see my failed relationship for what it is. And when I feel sad I seem to get yet another reminder that while extremely hard, it really is for the best.

Tonight, instead of being upset that The Lumberguy's family didn't invite the kids or I over to exchange presents and when he came to give them to the kids could not get out of here fast enough to go to the party at this 'alleged' interest's house, I am fine. Happy to be here baking banana bread and cleaning up wrapping paper. Usually the Scorpio in me would be furious, but I can honestly say that is not the case.

I am blessed. (See photo below.Lol.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS

From our home to yours...

Today we had to go into the city for The Tiny Maniac to see the eye doctor. I attempted to Christmas shop (not my favorite thing at the best of times) with two kids in tow. I did get 2 out of 5 presents though. I had the best luck! I went to Micheal's and spent about $120 on one present and some little odds and ends and storage boxes. Everything was on sale so I figured I already got a deal. Then, and I'm not sure why, but the cashier swiped a 20% off coupon. Nice! Then I went to the Bulk Barn for the first time and wow it was like a hippie's paradise in there. I got my loose leaf earl grey tea (yum) and some organic spelt flour and sugar, sea salt, currants, tea biscuit mix and some jelly beans.

When we arrived early for our appointment we took a walk around the mall and much to my delight there was an indoor market set up. I bought red pepper jelly, pickled carrots, and some homemade granola bars for the girl' afternoon snack.

Ok, I realize not everybody is as huge a loser as I am. But I am thoroughly satisfied with my haul today. Today was the first day I actually felt a little bit like my old self, interested in the things I used to be interested in. Peeper was pretty happy about the tea too!

What doesn't kill us...

Will make us stronger? Really? These days I feel like what hasn't killed me has made me bitchier. Lol. No matter how bitchy I am though I have decided that is still no reason for the person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what to not be. He wants to drown his sorrow in a bottle of beer, and has been. Pretty much every night since we got home after Deklan's death. I understand different ways of coping, and that is his, but it is just not acceptable to me. He also told me looking at me reminds him that Deklan is not here. Yes, I am Deklan's mom, but I'm not just his mom. I was supposed to be the one he loved enough to create life with in the first place. But I guess that's not the case.

For the first year and a half of our relationship I felt like I was filling a position. Most of his friends were married with kids, and here I was a single mom with 4 and one on the way. It was an easy way to get what everyone else had. I was always here waiting for him when he got back from whatever it was that he was doing, that he never included me in. We went through a really hard time, and I really had thought he'd changed. Things were so nice between us and I felt like it was really different. I forgave everything that had happened and we were in such a good place we made the decision to have a child together. I don't regret that decision one bit.

We did right by Deklan for the 4 months and 12 days he was here with us and that is all that really matters now. It just hurts me because The Lumberguy has done a complete 360 and is back to the irresponsible alcoholic he was before we started dating. I know those are strong words, but I had to call him to come because one of the kids was really sick. It was 6pm and he was already 2 sheets to the wind. I've called him, really needing to talk and he has said, this is where I want to be, out with friends, having a good time maybe it won't always be, but right now it is. What the heck is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to just go through losing OUR son all on my own and just be right here waiting to take you back when YOU decide its time? No thank you! I feel like it is GLARINGLY obvious that we are not supposed to be together. This I feel with all of me. It doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts to have lost him, especially since I have seen what a great guy he really can be.

I read through my old blog posts from when he and I had all our issues and I see that I could have walked away then and saved myself a whole lot of heartache. But everything happens for a reason they say and even though I have to learn to live without him once again I can't say working things out with him was a mistake. Because from that love we had came our wonderful boy.

Don't worry about tomorrow...

God is already there.

One of the sweetest little things sent to me over the past three weeks was definitely a business card sized verse from my dear Sunday school teacher. I remember just loving this woman as a child. I read it many times a day and it reminds me that what I am going through right now does not define what the rest of my life is going to look like. Thank you Mrs. Taylor.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My tears smell like him!

No sooner did I write it than the smell dissipitated. I've been sitting here crying the ugly cry. You know the type of bawling that takes your whole body. I call it the ugly crying. I hate to cry. When the doctor told me that the team had come to the decision to take Deklan off life support he said, you'll go through every emotion. Not here, not in this place was my reply. Inside I thought to myself you bastard you are not God, this is not your decision to make. Then he threw in the 'your baby is suffering' statement that thoroghly made me feel like crap. I didn't want to give him the satifaction of seeing my cry. (I've said before I'm a stubborn bitch.) Crying has never really been my thing, especially in public. Except in church. For some reason I cannot hold back emotion when I'm within those walls. When my Grandfather, this man who was like a father to me and I respected immensely died I didn't shed a tear until his funeral. I then bawled like a baby for the entire service.

But when I held my son as he took his last breaths and the life slipped out of his body I could not hold back the deep sobs. I held him so close to me and cryed and cryed and cryed. I felt like I should have been comforting him as he passed, telling him he was going to a better place, that it was ok. At that point the emotional pain I felt was almost physical. I felt that I would surely die right along with him.

So as of yet I haven't cried in public since coming home. Tonight at HannaBanana's Christmas concert I felt that lump in my throat though. I had the realization that I would never see my sweet little Deklan in a school play and it broke my heart. Thank God for my sweet HannaBanana though. And the little Tinymaniac to my left and Peeper on my lap and PoopyPants across the aisle too cool to sit with the girls. I always knew they were precious, but what a miracle the birth of a healthy baby is, the life of a child is. Its almost impossible to feel the enormity of it until you've experienced the opposite.

But I now cry regularly at home. Its almost on a schedule. Every night after the kids are in bed. I sit in my living room or at my computer and listen to his cd of beautiful lullabies and bawl. Its the only way I'm able to go out without being a blubbering mess. Crying it out at night gives me strength for the next day.

P.S. The Putumayo Dreamland world lullabies is hands down the best lullaby cd around. I got so many comments from doctors and nurses and it brought such a calm to his room. One of his nurses even used to sing along with the African song and another asked if one of them was Hebrew because she recognised it as something her mother sang to her. http://www.putumayo.com/en/catalog_item.php?album_id=109

Some scary @#$%

Metabolic disorders are taking our babies! I have often said that an extra check mark on a lab requisition at the first hospital I took Deklan to may have saved him a world of sickness, maybe even his life, but now that I am at home at the keyboard of my computer, my googling confirms it. It makes me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. Deklan's disorder was a particularly rare and nasty one, but there are a myriad of other manageable metabolic conditions killing babies. The key is EARLY detection and management. Many of these conditions can be detected before a baby even becomes symptomatic. With metabolic babies even a cold or flu can send their bodies into crisis. When Deklan was set to come home we had to have a very strict protocol in place as to exactly what steps need to be taken should he turn up in an ER.

I can easily see this becoming a life's work for me. I would give anything to have my little sweetheart back but that's just not possible. The next best thing would be to spare another mother this kind of gut wrenching loss.

http://www.savebabiescanada.org/

I used to feel...

Like there were not enough hours in the day. I was always in a rush. Too many things to do and not enough time to do them. The feeling of being a day late and a dollar short, like I was almost drowning was a very common one. Before. Now I have not felt rushed. Not once. I realize its probably because I'm missing him so, but since Deklan passed there are almost too many hours in the day. Too much time to miss him.

Today I realized that maybe this is my gift. My thank you present for taking care of the son who was on loan from The Lord. I'd like to think that I did right by him in his short life. Because of how I feel the universe works, I don't think getting him was a mistake. I've always thought I got the perfect kids. I've always just instinctively known what they needed, and felt its because they were perfectly matched to me. Years ago when talking to a mother with two children, both of whom were adopted, I had asked if they both had the same birth mother as they looked so much alike. Her response was that these children were given to her by God, so why not make them a matching set. That's how I feel about mine. They were given to me. Deklan was no different. When he became very ill at 4 days old I had a very tough conversation with God. I know he's yours, and you can take him God, but I want him. And I got him. For 4 months and 8 days more than anyone thought I would. And of course I'd rather it had been 8 months or 8 years or 80, all those days were extra, borrowed, a blessing.

Those 4 months and 8 days went by in a blink. The days in the hospital were busy ones. He was being taken care of by doctors from many different disciplines. There was always someone coming into his room. Or an appointment to go to. Or a test or scan to be done. Life was busy. And it felt like the time I spent with the other kids was just as rushed. Many a time I'd just wish for more time. And what was always my silent plea to God has now been granted. Once when I had left Deklan (in his less sick days) with his dad and spent a full night at home with the other kids, I returned to the hospital and together The Lumber Guy and I took Deklan overnight to The Ronald McDonald House, where we were staying in the city, on a pass. I asked The Lumber Guy if he felt more comfortable with Deklan here (RMH) or at the hospital. He said I feel most comfortable when you're with him. This must be why Deklan was given to me. I was who God felt most comfortable entrusting him to. So, I would hope it is in return for being there for my precious boy while he was with me that my wish was granted. Although I did it for no other reason than I love him unconditionally. This is how I assume God feels for all His children. And this is His gift to me. More time with the children left with me here on earth. I don't feel I have to stay up late to do just one more load of laundry. I have tomorrow, or the next day.

There is always time to read Pinkalicious again before bed.